Welcome to jankyscroll 2.0
Jankyscroll makes your website's UX undeniably worse. Let's talk about a couple ways you could delude yourself into thinking that you want this.
First and foremost, jankyscroll is a tool for randomized, organic content discovery. Users can unintentionally (and forcibly!) discover parts of your website they didn't know or care about, and probably still won't. Maybe that's something you want. I don't know.
In today's diverse ecosystem, it can be a real challenge to support every available platform. Solutions like Modernizr do their best to help you adapt to all manner of devices, but jankyscroll elegantly resolves all issues. Performance will be just as terrible on a brand new, state-of-the-art machine as it was on your dad's old Compaq that caught fire that one time.
For too long, content providers have allowed ungrateful users to scroll wherever they please. With jankyscroll, you can assert your rightful dominance as a Provider of Value, and stop those thankless users from flippantly scrolling all over your site. Control the Scroll, with jankyscroll. It sucks.
How to use jankyscroll
If you really want to use jankyscroll, I guess I can't stop you. First, you would include it in your page, like this. You should already know this stuff.
Then, initialize the plugin at the bottom of your document, if you're a good programmer who follows best practices. You're obviously not, because you're still here, reading this garbage.
<script> jankyscroll(trigger_distance, jank_amount); </script>
trigger_distance sets the distance, in pixels, that one has to scroll before they get jank'd. jank_amount sets an approximate range of just how jank'd they'll be, also in pixels.
<script> jankyscroll(400, 50); </script>
For instance, the above code would mean that the user would be jank'd around by about 50px for every 400px scrolled.
Thankfully, that's all. If your jank_amount is greater than your trigger_distance, that might cause some fun problems. Who cares.
Support or Contact
Having trouble with jankyscroll? Sorry, I don't really know what to do about that. It's sort of trouble to begin with, no? I'm sure you'll figure it out.
If you'd like to contact me about jankyscroll: please, don't.
I snatched the starting point for this venture from The Onion's most excellent fartscroll.js, which I whole-heartedly encourage you use alongside jankyscroll.
I'd like to publically shame James Adam Buckland for encouraging this.
Like what you see?
More terrible ideas to be found at zweig.co.